My New Blog

21 Nov

I decided this blog would be a great way for me to express myself. No one ever seems to listen or understand and even if not a single person reads this I will feel like I accomplished something. So here it is.

I must be a horrible person. I try really hard to make friends and have people like me.I don’t think anyone really ever has. Sure I’ve had “friends”, but they would always have plans and never invite me. This was throughout High School. We are in college now and on breaks these same friends continue to get together and exclude me. I was always different. Slightly more quirky. I’m not afraid to say what I think no matter what it is. I don’t hold back. I was acknowledged for my randomness in High School but in retrospect, Is that a compliment?

I digress, love saying that by the way. These people I really did care about. I did like them and I can’t say too many negative things about them. I did however always feel different from them. They didn’t have a similar humor at all to me and the way they were raised and their ideas differed so much from mine. Yes the solution would seem to be find new friends but it was not that easy. People find me weird I guess, I’m just socially awkward I really don’t know, but I try so hard. Its not like its new for me. Elementary school was rough too. I had one real friend throughout and we grew apart. I can still cry today thinking about that friendship. It was real. Middle school was awful as well. I had friends who I sort of clung to. They were too nice to say go away but never invited me to sleep overs or things. I was picked on a lot then too. I just did what I found funny and made me happy and was ridiculed for it. I had two parties in middle school. One for Halloween and three people came. I had fun and did not think much of it. My 13th birthday party was a disaster. I invited 45 people. I had invitations thrown away in front of me while people laughed. One of my friends showed up. She was so sweet she acted like 10,000 people had came. My parents had rented a whole building out and got a DJ and lots of food. I was so ashamed.

My parents always expected me to have friends. They are quite sociable people. I honestly got yelled at for being home too much haha. Side note my daddy would also get mad that when I got grounded from TV I would read and be perfectly happy. They continued to worry about this throughout my High School life and it is now progressing into college. My daddy recently asked me why I had not been bringing a group of friends to his restaurant (a local hangout for college kids). I replied with Daddy, its me were talking about. He completely understood. I have been in college one full semester and have not hung out with people. Okay, I have once but this super nice girl who went to my high school invited me to goodwill once. I went. But we don’t click well because our personal views on life. Everyone I know has already made groups of new best friends that they can do stuff with all the time. I see pictures and such and hear people talking about things which makes me depressed honestly. Its not like I don’t try. I sit with the same group of girls daily and we discuss different topics and such. They plan activities while I’m sitting there and invite each other and I sit there. Awkward.

It upsets me more because despite my social life being an epic fail since day one I have a boyfriend. A wonderful sweet caring boyfriend that everyone loves. Who makes friends with everyone. He has plans a lot it seems. He has people text him and want him to be around and they actually get upset when he can’t. Now he lives 2 hours away from me so no he is not ignoring me and I cannot tag along. I get so jealous of him. He never rubs it in my face but I just cry and get upset when he does something. I wish he would be miserable like me a little bit but I prefer him being happy truthfully. Its just the jealousy. He doesn’t understand at all how I feel. He tells me to make friends and get over it and that I complain everyday. Blah blah blah. He doesn’t get how much this hurts me. And no matter how hard I try I am never good enough for people. Ever. I am someone people do not like. Its hard to be happy when you don’t have people to make memories with or share happiness with. I do have my boyfriend and when I see him I become so happy and he makes life AMAZING. I just wish I had friends for those times in between when my loneliness in life is eating away at me.I’m NEVER happy it seems. I love being happy. It seems so hard to achieve though.

I would write more. But I’m crying and it doesn’t seem worth it right now.

On a final note, I love my boyfriend with my whole heart. He wants the best fro me and wants me to live the happiest life I can. Do not blame him if anyone reads this. Its me I know it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: